Greek government to solve debt crisis by taxing riots

ATHENS — As a response to the increasing European debt crisis, the Greek parliament is in the process of voting on an unorthodox solution to its financial woes: A general tax on rioting.

 

A prominent Greek politician who spoke to Tart News on the condition of anonymity gave us this exclusive story. His choice, he insists, was unaffected by the large amounts of Ouzo he’d consumed before and during the interview. Our choice, we insist, was not affected by the trip to Greece that came with it.

“Basically,” he informed us in slurred Greek we’ve taken the liberty of translating, “When you break it down, we need more money. Plain and simple. So we thought, we need to tax something else. The money’s out there somewhere. We’ve just got to find it. What’s something that’s trendy right now, that everyone’s doing? And I looked out the window, and what did I see?” For emphasis, the politician gestured out the window of the small cafe we met at, where a mob was busy tearing the heels off a statue of Achilles.

“Easy!” He continued. “Rioting. Everywhere we go, riot riot riot. So, if we put a tax on it, we’ll make money hand over fist!”

He easily shoots down theories that better spending habits are needed to curb the loss of funds. “The accountants are wasting time trying to adjust the numbers, while there’s a simple solution right in front of their faces. Our money’s all going down the toilet. Clearly, all we need to do is put so much money in there that we clog that toilet, and it overflows. Uh, metaphorically speaking. Then our problems will go away. When has clogging a toilet….I mean, throwing money at a problem never worked?”

When asked about how authorities will enforce and collect this task, he simply replied that such trivial details were for the policy-makers to figure out. He suspects riot gear may be needed.

While the law hasn’t been passed yet, the politician seemed confident that it would go through, and scoffed when asked about public reaction. “The public reaction is the best part. If it makes them angry, they’ll riot some more, and we’ll make even more money. I see absolutely no problem with this plan.”

And it’s not ending there. According to our source, he’s planning on tabling several other new taxes,

including one for tourists who quote lines from My Big Fat Greek Wedding while in the country, and another for parents who name their children after Greek deities. And we literally mean tabling. Most of them were written on a napkin right in front of us.

In addition, Tart News has recently learned that several other members of the European Union are putting this and similar taxes under consideration. Inside sources have similarly hinted that the U.S. may ready a similar proposal if Occupy Wall Street heads south. Canada’s parliament seems uninterested, though, stating the unlikelihood of the general public to get that worked up about anything that isn’t hockey.