Jay Cutler marriage meltdown – the real story

BOURBONNAIS, IL —  Jay Cutler, starting quarterback of the Chicago Bears, reveals the real reason for calling off his marriage to Kristin Cavallari in this exclusive interview with Smegma News Sports Editor, Chuck Balstader.

Chuck: You know, Jay, a lot has fans have it in their heads that you lack desire in terms of winning with the Bears. Is there any truth to this?

Cutler: Not at all. I mean, just because I pretty much give up in the 4th quarter of all playoff games, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have desire. In fact, there’s a private reason why – and I’ve kept it hidden in my head until now.

Cutler: It’s my head – and yes, it did play a huge part in my personal life. You see, diabetes isn’t the only health problem I’m battling. I’ve been diagnosed with GHS (Growing Head Syndrome), which affects over 12 Americans each year – a pretty heady number. In my case, there are no significant treatments, only preventative measures that I can take – like heading to the bench at the most important part of a game, for no apparent reason.

Chuck: Wow, I can’t say that I saw that coming! What were the initial signs?
Chuck: OK, what is it then? And does it have anything to do with the recent cancellation of your marriage?

Cutler: Well, it started with innocent things, like not being able to get my helmet over my head. The trainers noticed, and kept giving me bigger helmets without telling me. But I caught on to it when I went to approve the draft copies of my 2011 trading card. I detected a slight largeness in my cranial region. You’ll notice I’m also the only player in the trading card series without a helmet.

Chuck: And the marriage?

Cutler: Actually, Kristin was quite head-strong and wanted to go on with it. But I could see the disappointment, so I took the high road and told her she’d be better off without me and my huge head.

Chuck: You must be bitterly disappointed. No?

Cutler: Actually, Chuck, not really. GHS has afforded me some positive opportunities – like being in the lead float at this year’s Macy’s parade. And when my teammates have trouble with Biophysics questions, which happens more than you would think during training camp, they turn their heads to me because of my – well, you know. Oh, and I now have no problem seeing over the defensive line. I suppose the only real problem I’ll have is with that low-hanging scoreboard in Dallas.

Chuck: Well Jay, I know you have to head to the airport, so I’d like to thank you for sharing your story. Anything you want to say to the youngsters out there?

Cutler: Always a pleasure, Chuck. And yes, I want all kids to learn from my experience. Don’t let a problem get stuck in your head. And, most importantly, keep a level head about sports and life. Meet your problems head-on and head over to your buddy for support when you’re headed from trouble. I mean, two heads are better than one. Even if that one is frighteningly enormous.