NFL fan collapses during TV roster segment

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — He had his traditional six-pack cooling in the fridge. And nachos with cheese at his side. And then he collapsed.

Arnold Franks, 49, of Grand Rapids, MI, was rushed to the hospital during the early first quarter of  the game between the Minnesota Vikings and Detroit Lions last Sunday.

The couch that usually held Franks' large body remains unoccupied.

Franks’ wife, Julie, 45, said that, “Arnie had his day all planned out. First the Lions game, then Oakland at Green Bay, then the night game”.

“But it looks like he’s going to be OK”, said the suburban homemaker. “He passed all the heart tests, so the Doctor said it was probably stress related”. Franks is now on hefty regimen of Thorazine, a popular tranquilizer. But a question persists – how could a sedentary activity such as watching football cause such a health issue?

“The culprit was the roster segment”, quipped Julie. “You know, the part where they show the offensive starters with their pictures and stuff. Frank gets all worked up if one of the players says, ‘THE Ohio State University’. Well, it happened twice this time, and then …”, plucking a tissue, the housewife continued, “… then the worst imaginable thing happened. They snapped the ball before the last player’s bio ended”.

Dr. Eric Kleus, who tended to Franks in the ER, described his patient as, “a traditionalist – with, perhaps, a mild case of Obsessive-Compulsive Syndrome. While recovering, he kept asking me why they changed the ‘forced out of bounds rule’”.